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The other day I was talking to my best friend over the phone. I mentioned something that my mom did and she said “ How mean”. It was because my mom could be that way. She had two sides. Yet, at that moment I thought to myself “ I don’t want to remember her that way” I don’t want to hold on to the pain. I don’t want to dig it up every now then like a cherished memory. Brushing off the dust so I could take a good look at it. It was part of my past. Part of my past with my mom. I want to leave it there. It’s not like forgetting. You can’t ever forget but it is saying it’s over. It’s choosing to remember the special moments and there where many, enough to fill the void. Yes, the void that is in my heart now that she’s not here. After all today has enough pain all on it’s own. It’s just to much to bear yesterdays and today’s. If all I thought about what wasn’t and isn’t I would have no room for what is. What is good, what is worth remembering. I would not be able to love deeply and that’s all I really want to do anymore. I don’t want to miss a second of giving or receiving love. Living in pain is like putting a wall around yourself. A wall so high that not only you can’t climb over but those who want to be with you can not climb over either. No, I just can’t take that risk anymore. I choose love, I choose good memories, I choose laughter instead of hate and tears. I’ve cried enough tears. So have you. I know I am not alone. There are so many wounded souls out there. I can see your faces as I write. I can hear your hurt. We have cried on each others shoulders. I will always be there for you. You don’t have to climb any walls. I will listen. I will comfort you as only someone who has been there can. I can do this now because I have room where nothing but pain use to live. It’s funny because now it’s so much easier. Choosing to let go instead of being told to let go makes all the difference in the world.
I buried the hurt with my mom’s ashes, that part of her is gone. I kept the laughter, the love and the devotion out. I’m keeping that for myself. I don’t think she minds at all. In fact some day’s I can see her smile and almost feel her kissing my forehead. That's the mom I want to remember. That's the mom I do remember.