OOP's

Just got a call from my son, seems that Cassidy is ripping up her waffle and throwing it up in the air. Image that. Seems she really thinks its funny. I can hear it coming. Her dad tells me she is doing that gut laughing. OOP's. "I didn't do it with food".....I explained. "We just ripped up the Sunday ad's and threw up the little tiny pieces of paper in the air. It was like confetti. Yes, we laughed. In fact, I have the pictures to prove it. OOP's again, wrong thing to say...but, Chris, you should of heard her laugh. Papa, came running with the camera. She laughed so hard she was bending over and of course that made Papa and me laugh all the more. Okay, it did encourage her but it was with paper not food". "Mom, paper---waffle, it's all the same to her and by the way you didn't think it was so funny when I messed up the house". Oh, Oh. He got me there. I tried to explain..."times are different now. I know that messes can be cleaned up. Wiped away. Forgotten. Memories like this can't be". Seeing my granddaugher so happy will be forever etched in my memory and the pictures will be in her scrapbook. I want her to know about these times. To see herself as Papa and I see her. She is our funny little Miss Sunshine.
I will have to remind her though of the sign we have in our kitchen:"What happens at Nana and Papa's stays at Nana and Papa's".
I just wonder how I am going to top this one!

The second half

If you don't stand for something you'll fall for anything. This saying spins around in my head a few times a day. It started as I approached this year birthday. Wow, 51 years old. I feel like I am on the other side of life. You know like the first half of the football game and this half you better give it all you got. Play it hard and play it smart. It counts. To late for regrets. Learn and move on. There still is time just not as much. Every minute counts. No more saving my best moves or my best party dress. This is it. Another saying comes to mind "This is not a dress rehearsal"
For years I never really gave it a thought. I saved the pretty stationary, the good dishes. I saved the hobbies to when I had more time. Never realizing how precious time really is. I put alot of things first that should of been last. I was saving the best for last but this is life not a piece of cake. You know, I was taking care of this or that first so then I could to do what I really wanted to do.
Sad thing is I still do it. Lately I almost resent the things that steal my time and energy. I know I am no different than the next guy. We all have things to do and really I don't mind but there just doesn't seem to be enough of me to go around.
I would rather spend a day with Cassidy than have the most beautiful weed free garden. I would rather spend two hours scrap booking then cleaning the house. I would rather spend the day with my sister shopping than doing the laundry. I would rather spend the evening with my husband, kids and dog creating memories. Maybe because this is truly who I am. Sitting around the bonfire in my old jeans, a over sized sweatshirt and yes, even old underwear!, eating off a paper plates and drinking out of plastic cups. Laughing, smiles ear to ear. The fire warming our bodies and the love warming our hearts. Their eyes shinning as the fire dances. This is what I want them to remember. These are the times I want them to look back on. This is the me I want them to remember.
Jesus, help me to remember that some of the "Things" I am saving for last don't really mean anything. It doesn't matter if I wear the party dress, or we use the Good Dishes. What matters are the things of the heart. Lead me, guide me, speak to me. My prayer for you is that you will realize how quickly times passes by before it passes you by. I pray that you will find what really brings you joy and take the time to enjoy it. I pray that you use the good dishes, wear the party dress or donate them to someone who will. God made each one of us different. We really do have a destiney to fulfill. How we each do this is as different as we are. I just know when I come face to face with Jesus I want him to say "You gave what you had." I just don't think He will say something like wow, you sure could clean a toilet! or I loved the way you tackled the cow webs in your house...amazing. I mean you never know, but I doubt it.......

It's been so long

It's been so long since I wrote on this blog. I miss it but summer has had me busy. I always look forward to fall because it means more time for me to do the things I really love. Read, write and scrapbook. I enjoy the quiet and peaceful evenings. I feel more grounded during the fall and winter months.
Now is my time. I turned 51 this September. Still in shock. How can I be 51 when my mind is still stuck at 30? Maybe even younger. Maybe it's because we are who we are. Sure, we can tune it up a bit and thank God we can overcome past hurts. We can learn from our mistakes. We can change the way we wear our hair and learn to like things we never thought we would. Yet, that inner person, our soul remains the same. I am the same inside as I was at one, five, 25 and yes 51. I can't change who God made me to be, no more than I can change someone else. Somethings just are. It's a good place to be. I like the Beve' that God created. I am not disappointed. I like my gifts, my talent and my sense of humor. I like the way I love, the way I care and the way God has given me the gift as a caregiver. It's when I try to be someone I am not that I am not happy. I am not comfortable in my own skin. This doesn't mean I don't have things I need to change. I need to quit worrying about the housework and the yard. I need to let the laundry pile up sometimes. It means that I have to make time for Prayer everyday, quit smoking and start eating healthy. I need to exercise and live within my budget. There is plenty of things I need to start doing or do more often or even do less but I don't have to change who I am. In fact many of these changes would help me be more of who I am.
It took me many years to accept myself and yes, even celebrate who I am. My prayer for you today is that you will see who you are. Think of the things that you always seem to pull toward. The things you do find time for. Think of the ways you bring joy to others. You have a gift, you have a strength. It's what God created you for. We have a job to do on this earth. We have something to give to those who are put in our daily path. You are needed. Just look up to the Son, and smile. He will help you and guide you. He will send his angels and saints to carry you on your journey.

Orkut Scraps - Halloween Scraps

2009-09-16

Click here to view these pictures larger

They can take the Fireworks out of the City but not out of my blog.

Grab a chair, turn off the lights, turn up the sound, put it on full screen. My gift to you. Happy 4th of July.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xx7aPbt2TRI

Keeping the faith

Keeping the faith while everything around you is falling apart. So much easier said then done. "I will pray for you" we often say or you need to trust in Jesus, he'll take care of you. Today, I remember the words(not perfectly) but something like what ever you do for the lease of my brothers you do unto me. I think of Jesus teaching the crowds that where hungry for answers. They wanted to be healed, they wanted him to answer their prayers and he said when you feed, cloth, love others you are feeding me, clothing me and loving me. I think we miss the true message. Yes, pray for others needs but then roll up your sleeves and get to business and help Jesus to help those who need help. He will provide for you as you provide for others.
Often we want to save the world but we over look the ones that are right under our own noses. Those that are in our own flock. We judge our giving by their behavior. Jesus did things for others out of love, he brings people to him with love. We live in a world that is into "tough love" and sometimes we have to use that kind of love. Yet, I wonder if gentle commitment doesn't say more. If Jesus turned his back on us every time we sinned, or withheld his help when we are living a life that is not Godly, I fear that nobody would want that kind of "savior." He comes to us where we are. He spoke to the Samaritan woman at the well, who had seven husbands in a gentle way. I could almost see him smile at her. To me he was saying, I know everything about you and I still want to give you the Water of Life. He didn't say, hey clean up your act sister and then I'll help you. No, He offered her a gift that would give her the strength to change her life. He told her to go and sin no more, he knew she wouldn't walk away and never, ever make another mistake. He knew she would need that Living Water everyday of her life. He preached on how to live our lives day in and day out. We need the Bible and the words he taught like a daily dose of medicine. We also need his graces to love those who are caught up in the world, with all of it's sin and trials. We need His heart to help those that are less capable of grasping his words.
I like many do not want to give up my time or my money to those that I judge as less deserving because they have not reached the level that I feel they should be at. I can only believe that I am living the words of Jesus. "Love one another, as I have loved you." I can only trust that the seeds I plant will survive in the weeds of their life. I can only hope that my help will maybe make it alittle easier for someone to start picking the weeds out of their lives by lessening some of their burdens.
Maybe my thinking is all wrong. I don't know. Maybe, I am blinded by a heart filled with compassion and love. Maybe, I am misunderstanding the message of the Gospel but
I trust that the Holy Spirit is leading me. Until I hear differently from Jesus, I am going to try as best as I can "to love others, as He has and does love me.
May the peace and love of Jesus guide us all.

My Mom's Favorite Prayer

In Loving Memory
Viola B. Keel
9/28/28 to 6/30/08
Rest in Peace Mom

UNFAILING PRAYER TO ST. ANTHONY


THIS PRAYER IS PART OF THE CONFIDENCE PRAYER AND IS ALSO KNOWN AS THE SHORT NOVENA PRAYER:
IT IS PROBABLY THE MOST LOVED OF ALL PRAYERS TO ST. ANTHONY

"Blessed be God in His Angels and in His Saints"

O Holy St. Anthony, gentlest of Saints, thy love for God and Charity for His creatures, made thee worthy, when on earth, to possess miraculous powers. Encouraged by this thought, I implore thee to obtain for me (request). O gentle and loving St. Anthony, whose heart was ever full of human sympathy, whisper my petition into the ears of the sweet Infant Jesus, Who didst love to be folded in thine arms; and the gratitude of my heart will ever be thine. Amen.

Just Maybe....

Tonight I have been searching the Internet for Catholic Blogs with a scrappy kind of twist. I haven't found anything. So I have been thinking, maybe, just maybe that's what I should do. I already do in lots of ways. I talk about God, my family and everyday life. So, Jesus, if this is what you want me to do I know you will give me the words to write. I trust you.
Today is the day my mom went to be with Jesus a year ago. I so much wish that she could come back. I miss her so much. I can still see her face, her hands and all the expressions that she used to make. Her face told a thousand untold words. My mom, even at age 79 never loss her spunk. You never knew what to expect out of her. I loved when her eyes danced with mischief. I get my quirky sense of mischief from her and I see it in Cassidy's (my granddaughter) eyes too. What I long for most is to put my head on her lap and have her stroke my hair as she often did when things just were not going right for me. I miss that touch more than anything. I now pass on that love to Cassidy. I know that she can feel it, as she reaches for me and lays her head on my shoulder. How I love her.
My mom was a traditional Catholic in many ways. She prayed the old prayers that she was taught as a child. She prayed for everyone. I have often wandered away from my Catholic hertiage only to return again and again. Maybe our choir doesn't sound like a rock concert, our Alleluia 's and Amens aren't quite as loud and our Mass doesn't usually get us all warm and fuzzy. We are quite, dedicated followers of Christ. Our faith comes from the debt of our souls. We are faithful in the quite resting place of Jesus. Often times we are judged harshly by other Christians and the media. I know many Christians that can re site the bible and I also know many Catholics that live the words. Sometimes knowing is a long bridge away from showing.
I know that I don't have to explain my Catholic faith because this is my blog and I can write what I want (LOL). Just kidding. I am not trying to convert anyone, nor do I want to be converted. So, as they say in AA, take what you want and leave the rest.
May the peace and love of Jesus bring you the comfort and joy that your heart desires.

What we leave behind

Last night I posted on my blog something that I started in May and finished last night called Summer Blessings. I received alot of feedback on this piece. Thanks to all of you who take the time to read my blog and share your thoughts with me. The more and more I thought of my Dad today and how so many bits and pieces of him live on though me. He has not died, he has just passed on. It's amazing how someone who really was in my life for such a short time could give me so many beautiful things. Things that I cherish about myself. The me I love the best. I truly take after my father more than anyone else in my life.
You know, today I thought about how it's not so much of what we do in this life time but what we leave behind. What will you be remembered for? What will Chris and Cassidy think about me? What legacy am I creating? What will remind them of me? I know that like my father I have made many choices that have complicated my life and those who around me. For those things I am truly sorry. I have asked forgiveness and I am so grateful for a son who is understanding and supportive of me. His love for me is true...it holds no wrongs. He forgives and he has forgotten. Rare for anyone to do but he has that gift and it has blessed me.
I wonder what our lives would be like if we looked for those gifts in those around us. If we saw pass the mistakes, the sometimes unkind words or actions and focused in on what it is about them that we love so much. Those things that they have blessed our lives with. Maybe it's the way they say something, or the way they laugh, or the way they forgive or their love for books, animals or children. It's there. As Thomas Merton said "No man is in Island". Everything we do affects those around us and that means good and evil. God did not make us to be alone and He just didn't throw us together. The bible said's that "He knit us in our mother's womb." It wasn't one of those....a little of this, a little of that and a dash of this for good measure No we where well thought of way before the beginning of time. We where formed thoughtfully and lovingly. More like "Aw a little more sensitivity, a little less anger and a hint of humor. She is beautiful and unique. I will give her some of her fathers and mothers traits because I love them and I need her to carry on their legacy with her own unique twist. After all I have a plan that still is not complete." Maybe this is why generation after generation has similar traits and talents. We casually say is so often "He takes after his grandfather, she takes after her mother."
So what will we leave behind? What will remind you of me? Maybe that would be a interesting question to ask those around you. Be prepared what they say might just surprise you!

Summer Blessings

The weather is finally warming up which means long hours of weeding and planting. I plant all kinds of flowers and a few veggies. My world is colored in pink, purple, yellow and green. Yesterday I was standing at my table outside planting a few hanging baskets. I was humming as I often do when I am in my own little world so peaceful and content. A red bird joined me in my song. There he sat perched on a branch of the tree that I was standing under. He was singing his song. I couldn't help but smile and thank God for this day. For this moment. I stood in total awe as I looked around and saw with eyes of graditude the beauty of nature. My yard is like my secret garden. I have put long loving hours creating what I feel is beautiul, peaceful and tranquil. Sometimes a deer will join me, or a squirrel, a bunny or like today a bird. God uses my hands to help create his beautiful world.
My dad loved working in the yard. He grew beautiful roses in our backyard and all kinds of vegetables in his gardens. It is when I work in my yard that I feel close to him. As I dig in the earth, add new soil and plant a petunia, germanium or a roses bush. It's as if his hands our covering mine...guiding me. I can see him as if he is kneeling beside me...smiling. He had such a big smile...just like I do. It's like he and I are bonded. Father and daughter. I belong to him at that moment. I am all grown up now. A woman. I am older now than the years he lived but when I am in my gardens I am that child once again. I am his child..his daughter. I am Buddy's little girl. I am so thankful that he comes to spend time with me here. He knew where to meet me. Was I born with this love or did he give it to me as a gift? Like a going away present. It doesn't matter because I know my love for flowers comes from him. My desire to create beauty comes from him. It is his gift to me. I was young when my dad died, only fifteen. I didn't know him well. I only knew what I saw. I saw good and I saw bad. There is no other way to put it. It just was. My sister and brother where given things that belonged to him, a pipe, a flag, a clock and some clothing. I didn't get things. I was to young at the time to know or even to say I want this or that. It makes me sad sometimes. That I don't have something that I can hold that came from him. Something that physically makes his life real to me. That's all forgotten when I am in my garden. The material gifts far from my mind. I bask in his love for nature. I unwrap the greatest present I could ever need or want from him and that is to create beauty from simple dirt and a handful of tiny seeds. I see his smile and I hear his voice gently say to me "It looks beautiful". "Daddy is so proud of his little girl."

Quotes

Memorial Day Comments

Without April Shower's there would be no May Flowers

Here I am, crawling on the floor at the local Library. I never thought I would see the library from this view. Especially at my age. Especially not with my granddaughter. I could of never dreamed of what having a granddaugher would be like nor of the lenghts I would go for her. Cassidy and I joined a class at the library. We learn songs, dance and even learn sign language. Of course a 17 month old is not going to sit through this so off I go. Sometimes on foot, sometimes on my knees. Today I can feel the rug burns on these aging knees. I also can feel the smile on my face as I remember how much fun we had. How cute she looked. How proud I was when she followed directions. How neat it was to see her share toys. Small, yes, in the great big world very small, in my world, big, very big.
Grandchildren are like your children but a whole lot better! Sorry kids. We just had to much on our minds. Bills to pay, jobs to keep, housework, yardwork, the list goes on and on. Oh, it's not that we didn't enjoy our children because we most certainly did. I have so many fun memories and so does Chris. He will say to me "Remember when you woke me up at midnight because you made my favorite cookies?". "Remember when we use to play Burger King drive thru at our kitchen window?" "Remember how we use to place the baby Jesus in the manager on Christmas morning and sing "Happy Birthday to Jesus" before we could open our gifts?" "Remember when you dressed up like Cindy Bear at Yogi Bear park when we went camping?" The list goes on and on, thankfully.
Chris taught me how to use a computer, play soccer, golf, basketball and baseball. Mostly he taught me how to love. With him I experienced how big my heart could be.He taught me how deep love can be and lasting. No matter what. He forgave me for my shortcomings and loved me inspite of them.
Grandchildren is my do over. Yes, I get to do it all over again. Hopefully a little wiser even if I am a little slower. I see life through different eyes now even if I view with tri-focals. It's clearer now. Most of all I get to experience girls things. Like tea parties and baby dolls. Pink dresses and ribbions. White lace socks and MaryJane shoes. I love it all.
So here I am again and I am truly amazed that this old heart can stretch a little more as Cassidy stretches her arms to me. My smile grows a little wider each time I hear her say "Na" her name for me. Tears of joy each time she hugs me and gives me her tiny little kisses.

I just love reading those stories of love reunions. You know the ones about high school sweethearts that reunite after 30, 40, 50 years. They usually show a picture of them at 17 years old and a picture of them together now. They look like two kids finding the prize at the bottom of the Cracker Jack Box. Especially back in the day when the prizes where good. Their eyes seem to be dancing. It's almost like the years in between didn't happen. It's like they didn't see each other for 3 days instead of 30 years.
I think we all like a story like that. It reminds us of that special someone that we had in our lives. That first love. The one that we learned what love is and what it can do to you. We remember the flutters in our stomach. The excitement of hearing their voice or holding their hands. The tears and the laughter. It's when we moved from one chapter of our life to another.
Those loves often get away. We are usually to young to be able handle a relationship like that. We have so much more living to do and lessons to learn to prepare us for our journey. I would like to believe that God had a reason, but I also know to well, that God lets us make our own choices. I know I choose my path in life. Some of the choices where good, some where a mistake and some where made just out of convenient's The convenient ones have been the hardest to live with. You know, the old story...if I only knew, what I know now...I would of......
I think those first loves sort of set the standard for those yet to come. We decide whether they measure up or not.
I know for myself that my first love was a tough act to follow. He was funny, kind and loved me totally. We where just kids but with adult hearts. We had one foot in adulthood and one in childhood. We moved in different directions and like so many others we kept the memories alive. We all have our stories to tell. We all have a little desire deep inside, hoping that someday we will meet again. Maybe run into each other somewhere. Say "Hi, you look good". "How has life treated you?" "I hope it has been kind to you." We truly still care about their well being. It's important to us that they are happy. After a while we will say "Good-bye" and return home to our families with soft memories of years gone by.
I am so grateful for the love of my youth. He helped me to become who I am today. Sure my life had it's moments but who I am was never lost. My way of loving and my sense of humor always remained. So if you see me on the street, you'll noticed I am a little shorter(bone loss), a little fatter(menopause), have a few lines on my face(worries and laughter), my hair might be a little lighter(covering up the gray)and my walk might not have the little bounce I once had(arthritis)but deep down I am the same girl that you once knew. That will never change.

Bev and Denise

You often see signs, plaques and posters with sayings like My Sister, My Best Friend. My sister and I have had our ups and downs. The downs have been few and the ups have been often. There is no one I can talk with like I can talk with her. We laugh until we cry and we cry until we can laugh. We know what the other one is thinking and we know what the other one needs. We can step on each others words and sometimes feelings but it's okay because we know we are safe.
We have been known as Thelma and Louise, Lucy and Ethel and Laverne and Shirley. We have been asked to leave unless we can pull ourselves together. We have been stared at, laughed at and once someone even refused to go out with us.(We didn't want him with us anyway) We fought as teenages and now we fight for each other. We support each other even if we know we are wrong. That's because we can. It's as simple as that.
We both lived in the same city for years. We would often see two sisters walking around the neighbor. We watched them from middle age to old age. They always wore the same cloths, carried the same purse and parted their hair on the same side. We would always turn to each other when we saw them on the street and just give a look a knowing look, no words where necessary. They where are role models. That's what we are going to be like. Someday we will dress a like, carry the same purse, where our hair the same and we decided we will walk the same type of dog too. We will be inseparable. We already are. We've made it though childhood together, through boyfriends, husbands, kids, dogs and now grandchildren. Our relationship has out lived any other relationship that we have had and it always will. We understand each other where far few would look deep enough. So we can laugh and get out a hand after all we are Sisters and more than that we are Best Friends.

Yesterday I called Chris and Renee and asked them "Can Cassidy come over and play today?". I am very blessed because they always say "yes". They know how much I love her. When I walked in their house Cassidy saw me and a great big smile was on her face. Then she started to do the "Nana Dance". She was running around in circles and jumping up in down.It's like she is singing "My Nana's here, My Nana's here". I swear I could feel Love Droplets falling down like rain all around me and on me. It's incredible. Chris and Renee just watch us but they can't come in. It's our special secret bond that we share. Sort of like a secret handshake or password you need to get in. How can such a little person have such a big affect on me. After all I am fifty now. I have been there and done it all by now accept now it is with Cassidy. Everyday is like a new beginning with her. It's all new. A brand new adventure started from the first day I saw her and what an adventure it is becoming.
She's got spunk in her at the age of 17 months. She knows how to tease you, butter you up and she knows how to get into trouble. Then she smiles and giggles and she knows she's got you right where she wants you.
My favorite time is when she reaches up for me to hold her and she hugs me and pats my back. It's like she is saying "it's going to be okay Nana". I am here. A kiss is an extra bonus. Yes, you actually feel privileged if you get one with out asking.
I look at her and wonder what will she be like at five, fifteen, twenty? Her personality is already formed, you can see that. What will she do with it? Will I always make her do the Nana Dance? Will we always share are special secret bond?
I will always be there for her. I will always let her know that she is special and loved. I will always let her know that her heart is safe with me. I will bake her favorite cookies, fix her hair and share my life and experiences with her.
I thank God for her. God gave me a special gift to enjoy in my later years. What a special husband I have who supports and loves me as I enjoy my adult childhood. He encourages me to live my life fully. To enjoy my family and to seek my interest. In these last few years I have been doubly blessed.
I have been given a second chance at life. To live the life I always longed for. Thank you God, for loving me so much that you wanted to fulfill my dreams. You love me through the people in my life: Pat, Cassidy, Chris, Renee,David, Cheryl, Lauren, Kevin, Denise, Jay, Jaquie, Josh, Dale, Joanne, Zach, Maddie, Max and Angel. You love me through my special friends, especially Estelle. My world is full now. I feel loved and cared for. I can't help but smile. I can't help but laugh. Somedays I run in circles and jump up and down and do the "God Dance" and sing God is here, God is here.

glitter-graphics.com

I write about things that are close to my heart. I write about the people and things that matter the most to me. Nothing mind blowing. No new information here. The things I write about are things that we already know about but in the busyness of our lives we lose sight of them. I am finding out how simple everything really is. I am amazed on how complicated I can make things. I can look to deep. Seek to much information. Truly I say to myself "that's it, it's that easy?". I noticed that I read shorter books and get more out of them. I prefer a quote over a long paragraph now. I realized that I can get more out of less. It's not instant gratification that I am seeking. It's just that I can spend more time seeking the answers or learning how than on the actually living. I have always read a lot. For years I spent much of my life learning about and seeking God. I thought the more I learned about God the closer I would be with Him. The more real he would become. If I just had all of the answers. If I just knew how to reach Him. I spent so much time reading and seeking it left little time for actually talking to Him or praying. I realize now that all He wants is for us to talk to Him. Nothing grand or fancy. No magical formula. No special words. Just talk. I read somewhere recently, when you realize that you are actually talking to someone, God will become real. Praying will become real. Now when I pray I do not seek any type of feeling as a sign that God is with me. I do not seek any feelings that I am doing this right. I just talk and pray as if God is sitting right in front of me....and He is. I am not talking to someone who is way out there somewhere. He is as close to me as my own breath. I find this type of prayer difficult yet because it's new. It's new for me not to beg, or tell God what to do, how to fix it. It's new not to look for signs and wonders. I like it. It's simple. No pressure on me or believe it or not on God to perform.
I have goals in my heart and head. That is where they stay too. I spend so much time thinking about them. Figuring out how to make them happen that I don't follow though to actually doing them. As you can see, I spend a lot of time in the learning process and then I have the excuse that I don't have enough time to act on them. It's like working so hard to set the stage in a play perfectly before you can act on it.
It's all about simplicity. It's all about actually doing it. It's all about throwing out the how and all about now.
I do write from my heart about things that I need to be reminded of. I am teaching myself and if someone who reads it gets it too that's a bonus.
We live in a world that is full of pain and suffering. The news if full of murder, greed and a falling economy. My goal is not to bury our heads in the sand or deny what is happening but it is to take you away from it for just a moment or two. It is to remind myself and possibly you, of what really matters and how we can make our life and our loves ones a little brighter right where we are.

The Catholic Church

The Catholic Church played a large part in my earlier years. Not that my family actually attended Mass because we didn’t but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t in church. Let me explain. I am from the era when churches stayed open all day and all night. A pew was always available for those in need. A candle could be lit for a loved one at any time of the day or night. Times where so different back then. The church truly felt like a home. Your home. At least this is how I remember it. This was the way it was for me and the kids who lived on Notre Dame and Mt. Carmel in Cleveland. The church was Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. It was our church.
My parents where separated at that time in my life so my mom and two brothers and sister moved in with Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma and Grandpa just happen to live right next door to what we called the priest’s house (rectory). That was also an open door for us. The priest of Mt. Carmel took us under their wings. We spent many hours together walking up and down their driveway having our “serious talks” for this reason I have never been afraid of a priest. They cared about me and they acted as a Father should. It was easy to call them Father. They where someone we respected and loved. They understood us.
As I look back now I realize how much patience they had with us as we swung from their weeping willow trees. How a many watchful eye must of saw us playing in the church. What a sight we must have been. My sister, our friends who where sisters , also and my very best friend ,Theresa. We knew every Saturday there would be a wedding or two and that meant free candy for us. That was in the days when the guest threw candy covered almonds instead of rice. To this day I love almonds. How funny we must of looked to those who where not from the “neighborhood” as we crawled on our hands and knees in search of white and pink and green candy. To us girls the Blessed Mother was a young woman…like our moms to us. We knew she was special and that she loved children. I am sure she must have been nodding her head in Heaven as we “girls” would stare at her until one of us who whisper “ I saw her hand move” and then we would all run out of church screaming . How exciting. How special we where. If the priest saw us doing this they never said a word. I believe they wouldn’t of because they never discouraged us from feeling at home in God’s House. They taught us that Mary was our mother and she loved us.
How sad it is to me that so many of the neighborhood church will be closing next year. A part of my feels like I am losing my childhood. I was so blessed to be a part of the time when we had enough priest and the collection basket, spaghetti dinners, carnivals and yes, bingo supported our churches. I remember when parents encouraged their sons to grown up to be a priest and their daughters to be nuns. It was an honor . A privilege. Lost are those days.
My heart breaks when I think all of those beautiful churches being torn down or boarded up. To me there is nothing more beautiful than the inside of an old Catholic Church. The shinny dark pews, the high ceilings and stain glass windows. I can smell the incense now as I sit here. I know that Jesus still lives. That no building is big enough to hold him. His temple is in our hearts. We will find new homes to celebrate with our Catholic family . We will share and break bread. Our God is a God of renewal, ,of new beginnings. He will provide as He always has. He will not be torn down or boarded up. He will not abandon us. Not even death or a tomb could hold Him back from the love He has for us.
Church is where ever we are because we are the Church. God is where ever we are because God lives in us. I know how easy it is to complicate such simple truths. How grand we think it all has to be. As Catholics I believe we have been given a faith so rich in tradition and yes beauty. I know that it is this tradition that calls me back over and over as I wonder in search of a more “feeling” type of worship. I will attend a church that claps more, sings louder, A church without pews or statues. No standing and then sitting and kneeling. The feelings get moving. Surely God is in this place, He must be because I feel so excited, so moved. Yet it is not home for me. Home is in the quiet as I stare at the cross and remember that He died for me. It is in the music that I sing out of devotion and commitment not by feelings alone. It is in the smell of incense. It is in the pew that I kneel at humbly in front of my Savior. It is in the statues of those who dedicated their lives to God as an example of His love. Many people mock the Catholic Church and I at times did so myself. I am sorry for them and sorry for my mistake. The Catholic Church is a pillar built on the Gospels, the traditions and beliefs from the earliest disciples and Blessed by our Heavenly Father. It will survive and so will we.

New Pictures of Cassidy and her cousins, Maddie and Zach CLICK ON PICTURE TO ENLARGE

I stopped over Chris' and Renee's the other day. Just a short visit to drop something off and of course to see Cassidy. When I walked into the door she saw me and started to jump up and down. She was so excited. A Nana's dream. Nana's and Papa's just love that kind of thing. We melt.
When it was time to go I gave Cassidy hugs and kisses. As I started for the door she ran and got her hat and reached up for me to pick her up. She thought she was going with me. It was so adorable. I melted. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't bring her home that day. I had to say "Nana can't take you today." As I walked out and closed the door I hear her crying. I'm sorry and please don't think badly of me but it made me happy. I actually smiled. Again, it's every Nana's dream. All we want is to be loved, wanted and missed. Not to much to ask for. At the age of 16 months, Cassidy already gives me the best gift ever. Herself. She makes my days. I can't be sad or worried for to long. All I have to do is think of something she said or did and once again life is good. It's funny but kids have been doing the same things for years but each child is unique. They do things with their unique twist. It's like seeing and hearing it for the first time. God must feel that way about us. A proud father. He must think "that's my girl" or "that's my boy". All he wants is to be loved and wanted. (He doesn't ever leave so you can't miss Him.) I am sure when He see's us using our gifts and talents that He gave us...he smiles. God just has to smile. There is just no way He could create a smile without having one Himself. We feel God's love through other people. That is the plan. "Love one another as I have loved you." Children do it so easily. It's comes natural to them. Big people have to work at it a little more. That is God's plan too. No magic wands here. God expects us to use the abilities that He gave us and He gave us the ability to love. Not just the warm and fuzzy, feel good kind but the stick to it kind.
I know that many of us did not have a good example of God as children. Some of our parents did not use what He gave them. They choose another path. That should not be an excuse that we can't relate to a loving God as a Father figure. All we have to do is think about how much we love our children. We can relate to how we would go to the ends of the earth to do what we feel is best for them. That is what helps me. If I can love my son as much as I do....If I could want whats best for him as much as I do how much more must God love me. The story of the Prodigal Son makes sense to me.
Sometimes love has to say "No." I had to say "No" to Chris and even to Cassidy already. It's hard to understand but "No" can be the most loving word you can say. "No", sometimes guides and protects. God sometimes has to say "No." to us. Just wait it out and you'll find out why. Also, "do it yourself" is like saying "I love you" because it's saying I believe in you and you can do it. God sometimes has to set back and say "do it yourself."
I often write about Cassidy and being a grandparent. I believe as I have often said, it's our second chance. Today, I realize it is also a refresher course in what we tend to forget. We forget about how much God loves us and what He calls us to do. Grandchild help us to remember.

This is not a dress rehearsal. Wow, that saying really hit me recently. This thing called life is a one shot deal. There won't be any take backs. No rain checks. We learn it now and use it now. There is no learn now and use it some other time. At the end we will look back but that's about it...there will be nothing we can do about it then. It will be to late. There won't be any second changes to get it right. I don't mean to sound morbid but this has to sink into my head. I have to get this. It's all about now. Say it now. Hug more now. Love more now. Laugh more now. Spend time with your love ones now. If you have a dream you better work on full filling it now. I know with the death of my mom I began to think about how life is to short and it is. It has changed my outlook on many things and now this "This is not a dress rehearsal" takes me a step further on my journey. I don't believe either one of these sayings where meant for us to think about our self more. Although at times we just have to. It's a good thing to love and care for yourself. I do think that it means if you have any unfinished business that you are aware of it's time to step it up and finish it. If you need to forgive someone forgive them. If you need to say "I love you" Say it.
If you always wanted to paint, write or learn how to dance. Go for it. Perfection is a lie and if you listen to it you'll miss your chance. I want to write, I know I am not great at it but I want to fulfill this dream. So here I am. Writing.
Friday, I wanted to spend time with Cassidy but I also had stuff to do around the house. I decide that Cassidy was more important then this house of mine. I want
to be with her more than my dust rag or mop. I want to see her smile and hear her laugh. We had a great time. While we where having lunch she reached out and took my hand and put her head on my shoulder. I would of missed that moment if I would of stayed home and cleaned.
I know that every one has dreams. They don't have to be big. We don't have to change the world or any one else for that matter. Just something simple from the heart. Hearts speak to hearts. Often times you who read my blog have touched me. Your heart has spoken to mine. I have been gifted with the kind and caring people in my life. My life is richer because of you.
This is not a dress rehearsal speaks to me....it's my responsibility not someone else's. If I don't do it now what good will it be to me or anyone else to blame my life, my parents or even God for the way things turned out.
Spring is on it's way. A time for new beginnings. Plant a flower to remind yourself that you are growing into something beautiful because you are beautiful.

Today I spent the day with our newest little blessing...Zach. I looked into his eyes as I held him in my arms and thought of my mom. My mom tried to hold out until Zach was born but she couldn't make it. Love does that. It tries to do what is best for someone else. Even if it means suffering. She knew her time to go home was getting closer and she told us she was sorry but she didn't think she would make it to Zach's birth. It breaks my heart to remember those last days. I can still see her. I can still hear her call me.."Bevie." That was her name for me. I don't think she ever called me Beverly. (Well maybe when she was mad at me.) To know I will never hear her call my name again is like she took a part of me with her. A very real part. No matter how old I was I always felt like her little girl. That little girl, died with her that day.
I believe we leave fingerprints on those we love. Unique small parts of yourself on others. Not visible to the eye but none the less there. My mother left her prints on me. It is funny how I seem to only dwell on the good things. I am so thankful for this. I can only hope that this will be the same for those I have been given to love in this life time. I hope they will remember what we shared. Losing someone as special as my mom has changed me. I think it was her final gift to me. She has made me realize how short life is. She has made to see what a waste of time so much of what I do or think about is.
My mom died in our arms. We each said our good-byes in our own way. Although she could not talk or see she made expressions that let us know she heard and she felt our presence.
She loved when I kissed her. It would hurt her if I didn't. The last few moments I had with her I kissed her all over her face. I saw one tear drop fall from her eye. I knew she felt my love as I felt hers. What a gift I was given. What a memory that I will always cherish. She entered heaven with my kisses on her face. She left this earth feeling loved to entered the ultimate place of love.
I believe that the people in our lives are there by design. God needs us to love them for Him. He needs them to love us for Him. My mom taught me that love does not have to be perfect just genuine. We know when someone is being real or not.
I also believe that not everyone is going to love us. No matter how hard we try. They are just here in our lives to pass though and to help us to realize who does love us. It's sometime hard to accept that fact but it is a fact. I am so glad that I realize it, it's not meant to damage or change you...it just is. Learn what you can and let it go. After all how much love can we take and give. That's for heaven. That's what we are looking forward to. That is God's promise to us. That's where my mom is now and when I get there I'll hear her say "Bevie" again. I just know she will.

Cassidy didn't come over today as plan, she had other plans. Yes, she had a play date today. Her best friend, Gabby, was coming over to play. I hope Cassidy is not to rough on her today. Cassidy is small but mighty. I see a tomboy already. That means I have to work extra hard on girly things. I make sure she has dolls, tea sets and pink everything.
I'm all for the play dates. I feel it's important. After all, she needs to develop her social skills. You know, pretty soon she'll be in pre-school. She needs to know how to share and how not to bite. How to play nice. It's rough out there in the real world and I want her to be a leader. Yes, you hear right. I want her to have confidence. I must of not had many play dates as a child. I was afraid of everything and everyone. The quiet one. I blended into the wall. I wanted to fit in more but I was just to shy. Well, let me tell you. If I don't talk now it's because I don't want to. I'm still not a leader and that's okay but I carry an attitude in my back pocket just in case I need it. I have no problem whipping it out if you cross me the wrong way. Of course, I had to learn the hard way. It cost me a lot of tears. It was on the job training for me.
Don't get me wrong I still have a very sensitive side to me. I still follow my heart way to much. I know I am a safe haven for a lot of people. I would not change that for the world but the Italian/Irish girl comes shinning through when needed.
Getting back to Cassidy and her play date today. I hope she shares and I hope she doesn't bite or push to hard. She really must learn to get along and compromise. At least every now and then!

As most of you know I am all for technology. My son claims that he's the only son who's mom wants electronics for Christmas and Mother's Day. Forget the jewelry, flowers and candy what I want is more hard drive, a new camera, a flash drive, some recordable DVDs or Cd's and if your feeling really generous a new photo shop software program. I have a Nano, a Kodak picture viewer and a cell phone.I'm not a geek. I'm definitely not old fashion. I believe that we have to change with the times. Not only do I believe it, I think it's great. I want to learn and use all the latest stuff but I do have a small problem. It's the cell phone. It's becoming a obsession with all ages. I can't have a dinner, or a conversation with out someone either talking on their cell phone or text messaging. Text messaging is a whole new problem. If it wasn't bad enough listening to other peoples conversations at the doctors office, grocery store, hair salon and even in the restroom now we have to look at tops of heads. Have you noticed how everyone head seems to be bent down. It seems to be okay to stop in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store, to sit at the light after it turns green and to ignore your children as hands busily tap most often useless information. What do these people have to talk about when they are face to face? Is there anything left to say. Probably not. It doesn't matter I guess because they can always text someone else.
I remember taking my son to the grocery store with me. I would put him in the cart and talk with him the whole time I shopped. It was our time together. It makes me sad to see parents on the phone while children sit in shopping carts bored and crying. Such missed opportunities to share. To talk. To be silly.
What put me over the edge was when I was at a funeral recently. Right there in the funeral home while the family was saying their good-byes a few people where text messaging. In the quiet of the room you could hear them tapping on the keys. What could have been so important at that moment? Their love ones where all there in the room.
There really is a time and place for everything. I love to read. I wonder how it would go over if I just pulled out a book and started to read while someone was talking to me. I would be nice and put up my finger and say something like "I just have to finish this chapter, and I'll be right with you."
To me this is like saying everything is more important than sharing this moment with you. How sad.
Let's put the phones away. They have voice mail. Let's look at each other. Look into each others eyes when we speak. Notice the smile or see the tears. Be there...not just there.
Don't wait. I miss you even though your right in front of me.

I hate to admit defeat but my grand baby wore me out today. Talk about busy. My husband woke up from a nap and his first words where "what happen in here?" He not usually home when I have her with me. He's not use to all the toys all over. Usually by the time he comes home the house is clean and dinner is made. I might not look to good but 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Anyway, the kitchen floor was lined with Tupperware, a rolling pin and more toys. The dining room table was full of the things she should not get in to. For me it's just another day in the life of a Nana. It's tiring but so rewarding. Today we had another tea party, crunched on potato chips, read and played with every toy in the toy box. When I dropped her off tonight she was tired but happy. Just like me. You know what I did? I asked if I could pick her up on Tuesday so I can do it all over again.
I never thought these kind of days would come. I never thought I could turn my head to all of the mess. I couldn't do that when Chris was growing up. Not that he didn't play but I worried so much that some one might stop over and see the mess. I am sorry for that. Like many things during those days I wasted a lot of time on things not worth my time. You live and learn we often say. Grand kids are God's second chance for us. My mom was a better grandmother than a mom. She had so much more patience. She was so much more understanding of what kids do. She would tell me to let it go or when I turned my back she would give in to him. I am remembering how the table turns as we get older. I remember about three months before my mom got really sick and she was at my house while I was at work. I had Chris check up on her and when he stopped in she asked him for a cigarette. He didn't know what to do. Should he give her one? Her health was already going down. He ended up calling me at work and asking me if he could give Grandma a cigarette. I was really busy and I remember saying "Just give her one." When I hung up the phone I couldn't help but laugh. How many times did my mom call me at work and ask if Chris could do something or have something and I would answer "Just give it to him, or let him" Now I realized they had a system going. We'll just call mom when she is busy at work, she won't have time to talk and she can't yell. It worked every time. I know that I'll do the same. Sorry Chris, but what goes around comes around. I promise to love and care for Cassidy like my mom cared for you. I also promise to spoil her just as grandma spoiled you. It's the price you must pay. After all I am only doing my job as a Nana.

 

 

 

 

I think we reach different milestones in our lives. Not so much measured by years but definitely measured by our experiences. I am starting to reach the "in my contentment" years. The years I often hear of and didn't quite understand until now. It's the knowing that it's good on those quiet days when someone will ask you "What's new?" and you can say "Not Much, you know the same old, same old." and you mean it. Not only do you mean it but you like it. After so many ups and downs, so many different valley's and peaks it's like enough already.
Coming home now is the best. Sitting in the evening with my husband and dog reading a book or watching a TV show is good. Seeing my granddaughter smile and hearing her giggle even better. I am having one of those days today. As you all know, my sister and I are the very best of friends. We are a team. We understand each other better than anyone else and we know how to get into trouble together, which we still do. Anyway, we had a sleep over. A girls night. We shopped, we had dinner and drinks. Tried new makeup. Talked about our grand kids. Shared pictures. It was great. How neat to share our history and still love each other. Yet, I missed home. I missed my husband and I missed my dog, Angel. There really is no place like home. It's such a comfort. Just begin gone one day and everything looks so good when you walk in. Angel met me at the door. She always does. I could be gone four hours or four days, it's all the same to her. I was hugged and kissed and then hugged and kissed some more.Then Pat came home and well I'll just say...you know the saying about man's best friend. I figure he didn't want to seem so needy so he toughed it out. I think it's a guy thing. It didn't help much that we talked about four times a day anyway. Next time I go away I'm not going to be so easy. I hear it's good to be a little mysterious.
On the way home I stopped at Chris' house and saw Cassidy. I haven't seen her for almost a week. That's way to long. She looked so cute and I scooped her up in my arms and gave her kisses. She wanted me to hold her a lot today. No problem there. We played with Bella, her dog. Cassidy finds Bella so amusing. She just giggles when we play with her. Those giggles reach down into my heart. We played up and down. I pick her up, count to three and sort of slide her down my leggs. Well since I have been home I have hardly been able to get up and down because now my back is killing me. It was worth it. I think.
So it's this kind of thing that I started to write about tonight. Just everyday happenings. No big deal to some. Most maybe. Yet, it's what I have come to find and treasure as what life is all about. I chased a lot of rainbows. I have traveled to a lot of places. I am so grateful for those times. Even the not so good ones. They made me, me and that's a good place to be.

Our world lost another beautiful soul this week. Helen Culligan. My mother in law. My husband's number one gal and what a gal she was. Mom had a innocent about her. She was in this world but her heart remained detached from all it's cruelly. She didn't gossip, or complain. Everything was great and if it wasn't she would just say her famous "Whatever" and that would be the end of it. She would move on to something else that was great. Her eyes seem to dance with child like mischief because life was an adventure to her. She just wasn't going to waste a moment of it. My generation seems to be losing our parents. That seems to be happening more and more lately. We are becoming orphans in our mid life and you know, we feel like orphans. As I sat in the funeral home on Thursday I watched my husband and his sister hold each other in front of mom. I couldn't help but see the innocent of their love for their mom as I saw them kneeling there. In my eyes I could visualize them as little "Paddy" and "Nan" kneeling by the side of their bed saying their prayers. They where children once again and at the same time they where children for the last time. As they turned, with tears in their eyes, holding one another I knew they where starting a new journey in their lives. They where on their own now.
It's funny how this works but our mom's where the foundation of our family for Pat and I. They created the most memories it seems. They made us feel loved and unique. They thought we where the best, the smartest, the pretties and the most handsome prince.
My heart breaks today for those who do not have the love of at least one parent. I know that many do not have the comfort that comes from the security that a family can give. We are lost in our own worlds. So many are not even capable of giving this kind of love or commitment. We could blame it on our lives that are so different now. So many big problems. Not enough money. Hard times. That's not really different at all. The difference is the commitment that these woman made to their children.
They made us strong and able. They knew when to hold on but also they knew how to let us go. I remember time and time again saying to my mom "I can't do it" and she would answer "you have to." She did not protect me from every storm that came my way.
I would like to write tonight how much I am like Helen but I am not. First of all as much as Helen did not complain...I do. I am a chronic complainer. I know it and you can bet my family will nod in agreement on this one. I don't have her sense of adventure either. I tend to play it safe. I hang out on the side lines. Mostly I am not as kind in my thoughts and words toward others. I don't over look the little things. I can pick apart someone in a blink of an eye. The one thing we have in common is that I love her son, to me he is the best, the smartest and my handsome prince. I think she knew how I felt about him and I believe it brought her comfort. She knew her Paddy would not be alone.
I do believe in the after life. I am so grateful for this. I thank my Mom for her faith that she quietly passed on to me. How sad it would be for me if I couldn't continue to talk with these two beautiful woman. I rest knowing that they are together in their final home in heaven. I am sure they are shaking it up a bit!
We will miss you Helen, how could anyone like you not be missed! We will keep you alive in our hearts and we will Smile.

Make a Smilebox scrapbook

Fingerprints.

Fingerprints. I think a home with or without fingerprints tells you a lot about who lives there. Without fingerprints, parents of small children. With fingerprints, grandparents of small children. That’s probably not true for many people but it sure was true for me. I was the type of mom that attacked fingerprints with Windex and paper towels like Mrs. Clean. I didn’t see the beauty in them. They didn’t make me smile. Nope, I was out to get them. I’m not like that anymore. All of sudden fingerprints are cute. They make me smile. They make me remember how they got there and by whom. Enter Cassidy. With ten little fingers. She made the difference. Last weeks fingerprints still linger on my front window and in my heart. I smile as I remember holding her as she ran her little fingers up and down on my clean window. It was cold out so they really stuck. She was in my arms and we where waiting for Angel to come in. Angel is our dog, known to Cassidy as “Good Girl”, that’s what she calls her. I can see her tapping on the window and calling out “Good Girl” as we waited. When I see those fingerprints I think to myself “how sweet“, I’ll leave them on there just a little while longer” It’s like that with our glass T.V. stand too. I can see her little fingerprints in the dust. That too can wait. No, I am not looking for an excuse to not clean. Anyone who knows me knows I like a clean house but baby stuff is different now. It’s not dirt. It’s not a mess. I would rather spend time with Cassidy then clean. I learned late, but none the less I learned that babies don’t wait. They grow up so fast. I just don’t have time to waste anymore. As I drive by other peoples homes and I see fingerprints all over their front window I think to myself they got it. They understand. A child lives there. A child who is free to create works of art on a window.
It’s not just fingerprints either. Pat caught something last week that I didn’t realize. It was Sunday. Cassidy was over. The Sunday newspaper was in a neat little pile and guess who decided she wanted to read it. Cassidy dove into that newspaper like a little tornado hit it. She was fast and she was mighty. The ads flew in all different directions. I heard the paper ripping and I heard her laughing. This was great. She was having a ball. I was just watching her. Not doing a thing when Pat said to nobody special “ I could never get a way with that” It’s true. He couldn’t. He wouldn’t. That might be another lesson for another day.
Why is it that when we are young so many things seem so important? Why do we have to keep up appearances.? Why do we try to impress others to the point of depressing ourselves? I know that most people share my experience. I see the younger generation driving new cars, living in developments and their children dressed in cloths that cost more than mine. These parents are good parents. They spend time with their kids but they are tired. They can’t keep up with the bills. For some it means working more and more. Time spent is in the car from one place to the next. I want to say “slow down“. It’s okay to live in a older smaller house. It’s okay to drive a car for a few more years. It’s okay to go and spend the day at the city pool with your children instead of peeking in on them every now in then in your back yard.
Sitting around the dinner table together or watching a T.V. show together is not even normal anymore. It’s the exception. How sad. How many conversations are lost. How much silliness is missed.
I know I am getting more emotional as I age. I see how fast life goes and how much does work out by itself. You couldn’t of told me that when I was young. Some days I have to remind myself still. It’s getting easier. I am so glad it is as I sit here and write with my dog at my feet. With fingerprints on my windows and dust on my T.V. stand and memories in my heart. I have it all. I’m finally getting it.

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Our First Tea Pary!

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The other day I was talking to my best friend over the phone. I mentioned something that my mom did and she said “ How mean”. It was because my mom could be that way. She had two sides. Yet, at that moment I thought to myself “ I don’t want to remember her that way” I don’t want to hold on to the pain. I don’t want to dig it up every now then like a cherished memory. Brushing off the dust so I could take a good look at it. It was part of my past. Part of my past with my mom. I want to leave it there. It’s not like forgetting. You can’t ever forget but it is saying it’s over. It’s choosing to remember the special moments and there where many, enough to fill the void. Yes, the void that is in my heart now that she’s not here. After all today has enough pain all on it’s own. It’s just to much to bear yesterdays and today’s. If all I thought about what wasn’t and isn’t I would have no room for what is. What is good, what is worth remembering. I would not be able to love deeply and that’s all I really want to do anymore. I don’t want to miss a second of giving or receiving love. Living in pain is like putting a wall around yourself. A wall so high that not only you can’t climb over but those who want to be with you can not climb over either. No, I just can’t take that risk anymore. I choose love, I choose good memories, I choose laughter instead of hate and tears. I’ve cried enough tears. So have you. I know I am not alone. There are so many wounded souls out there. I can see your faces as I write. I can hear your hurt. We have cried on each others shoulders. I will always be there for you. You don’t have to climb any walls. I will listen. I will comfort you as only someone who has been there can. I can do this now because I have room where nothing but pain use to live. It’s funny because now it’s so much easier. Choosing to let go instead of being told to let go makes all the difference in the world.
I buried the hurt with my mom’s ashes, that part of her is gone. I kept the laughter, the love and the devotion out. I’m keeping that for myself. I don’t think she minds at all. In fact some day’s I can see her smile and almost feel her kissing my forehead. That's the mom I want to remember. That's the mom I do remember.

Daddy's Little Girl

Cassidy and Chris came over the other day. Sometimes they just like to hang out together. Chris walks in with Cassidy on his hip and a pink diaper bag hanging from his arm. He's so comfortable. He looks so natural. He puts her down and gets on his knees and takes off her pink coat and her pink fluffy hat. He talks to her. She smiles her special smile for him alone. She's got her daddy wrapped around her little finger, she knows it, he knows it and the both love it. You can see it in their eyes as if they are dancing to a tune all of their own.
It kind of reminds me of snow globe. I can look in as they share their special moment but I can't be a part of this world. It's not mine to have. It belongs to a daddy and his little girl.
I watch in wonder. When did this happen? When did my son become a little girl's Knight in Shining Armor. When did he put away footballs for baby dolls and teddy bears?
She seems to have a glow about her as she butters him up. He melts. I melt watching them. She crawls up on the couch and sits next to him. Her little legs dangling off the couch. She gives him her baby doll to hug and he does and gives her baby a kiss too. The football game is on but his focus is on his little Pink Princess. The ball is definitely in her hands now. She got the home field advantage.
You know as I raised a son I could never image a moment like this. No, this is something you just experience for the first time.
I'm so proud of Chris. He's turning into such a wonderful daddy. Often we talk about life and how it can be such a struggle at times. Yet Chris will say to me " All I have to do is look at my daughter and I know I have it all. He tells me that he's the lucky one." Sure he would like to have this or that. He wish he could give Cassidy so much more, he wants her to have everything but he knows already that love is what she really needs. Love is what she'll remember. That he can give her. He knows how. It's free.

Valentine Day

I bought these Roses for myself today. I thought they where so beautiful and at $1.99 quite a bargin.

Only twelve more days to Valentine's Day. I know, I even count the days.Many would call me pathetic. My windows are covered with hearts and lights. This is big for me. This is important stuff. While I'm driving I look for other houses that reflect the same passion that I have for this day. When I see hearts and lights in their windows I nod with a knowing nod and smile.
Yes, Valentine Day is my favorite holiday. Many don't consider it a holiday but I do. When I first told my husband that Valentine Day is my favorite holiday he rolled his eyes. As they say timing is everything and I told him right after Christmas. His reply was "You just love getting gifts. Everyday is your favorite holiday". This is not true. My love for this day started a long time ago.
When I was alittle girl we use to give Valentine's to each other in school. We use to make pockets to hang on our desk like a little mailbox. It seemed that the most popular kids got the most Valentines. I was not that kid...ever! I was very shy for most of my school years. I had friends but not alot of them. Sometimes I would feel bad if I didn't get a Valentine from someone I secretly admired or wanted to be friends with. I know most who read this had the same experience. I know now that most of us our pretty much the same. I know I wasn't the only kid picked last on the team just the only one in my grade at my school!
My time with my dad was only for a few years here and there. Yet, my love for roses and for Valentine's Day is because of him. He grew the most beautiful roses in our back yard and he remembered Valentine's Day. He would give my mom, sister and me a small box of candy in a heart shaped box. I thought this was the best, much better than getting a Valentine card from some kid at school. It didn't matter for at least that day if I belonged because on Valentine Day I belonged to the girls group at home. My dad saw us as his girls and I was part of that group. I would keep that little heart shaped box long after the few chocolates where eaten. I would decorate it and keep little treasures in it and every time I opened it I would smell the chocolate.
Even now, 35 years later when I see those little boxes and the smell the chocolate in them it brings me back to that time. It was a day or maybe just a moment when my life was good and I felt loved. I felt loved by my dad. It's sort of sad but I didn't really know him well. I didn't share the bond with him that I think many girls share with their fathers. He came back into my life when I was around eight or nine after a four year absence. I was unsure of him and just because I called him dad it did not make me love him. It just doesn't work that way. He was a stranger. So I think I spend the next few years that he was alive somewhat afraid and at a slight distance from him. What I find most interesting about this relationship is that so much of who I am and what I like about myself is from him. I have so many of his gifts, talents and even personality. How does this happen? I know I was aware of who he was, what he was doing but is this also something you are born with? I don't know. He died when I was fifteen three days after Valentine's Day.
I think that this day is so important to me because I want to know that I am loved in a special way. I want to feel like that little girl again. I also want others to know how special they are. I want to let them know that they are unique and loved. That somebody does see them. They are not just a face in the crowd. They matter.
God, our true father sees us like this. I hear he loves us like every day is Valentine Day. He doesn't give us a heart shape box of chocolates but he does give us his heart. He sees us everyday as his little girls (and boys) and we do belong to the group. His family.
I still have a hard time believing that God does love me like this. I am trying but somethings go so deep but I know that this is why I try to make others feel loved and wanted. I don't want anyone to walk away from me wondering if they are good enough and loved.
Happy Valentine's Day to each one of you. All of the loves in my life. You make my world. You are my best gifts. You are like a bouquet of the most beautiful and fragrant roses ever grown.

Meet Cindy Lou

Since it's so cold outside Cassidy has been wearing her little feet PJ's. Sometimes all day. They are so warm and cozy and she looks so cute in them.
What do you think? Doesn't she look like Cindy Lou from The Grinch Who Stole
Christmas? Sometimes I even call her Cindy Lou. She knows I'm teasing her.

Well, I did it again. I don't know what I did or how I missed the mark. What I mean is that I said something wrong or maybe it was at the wrong time or the wrong day, or the wrong way. Pat and I decided that from now on we just need to agree with everything our kids say. That's what they want. Really. Just a "yes", "wow", "that's great". When I think about it I did it to my mom too.
I think we always look to our parents as our rock. The one safe place to go. The one we can tell all, and they will always agree and support us. No matter how old we are we are still looking for their okay. We want to hear it's safe, your okay. I'm here. When we don't get that it seems to illuminate our own insecurities. The doubts that sometimes we don't even know are there.
I never realized how rough this can be on a person. Boy, I know now. It's like your a little bobbing dog on the rear dash board and just one wrong turn and you tip over. Down. Down and out.
This really came to light after my mom died. Almost everyday something happens and I want to tell my mom. Just pass it by her. I just want her to listen. I tell Pat and I tell Denise, my sister but something is still missing. I don't feel complete. It just doesn't do it. I need to tell my mom. It could be a problem but not just then. I long to call her and tell her when something special has happen. Lately I want to share Cassidy with her. I want her to see her, hear her. I want to share my joy. I know my mom would just love her. Even in my mom's last days her eyes would smile when I would talk to her about Cassidy. Yes, we need to know that our parents are our number one fan.
I know that Chris knows that my heart is always with him. I know it hurts sometimes when I don't agree. I don't always give the right answer. Sometimes I talk to much. I often try to fix things to make them all better. Like sticking a bandage on sore. I try to heal but I have come to realize that a bandage only covers, protects but it doesn't do the healing. That comes from within. No matter how good our intentions are. Healing comes in its own way, its own time and through the lessons we learn along the way. Lessons that do have to be learned on our own.
I think the best thing we can give our children is the assurance that they have what it takes, they can do it and they are worthy. I also believe that this is one of those things that has no maturity date. No expiration. No rain checks. Its for now and its forever. When ever that forever is.

Yesterday I spent the day with my Little Gift. Cassidy is truly the greatest gift I have ever received. Christopher was a pretty good one too.
Grand children come just at the right time in our lives. We're ready. We're not so busy trying to make life happen anymore. We learned that life is happening right now. Of course we don't have the concerns that young parents have. We already went though all that and now as parents they have to go through it. It's just a part of life. We are here to add that little extra attention and love. We have the time. I believe our bodies are alittle softer but so are our hearts. Our houses are a little to quiet so we enjoy the noise especially the laughter. The giggles. We don't mind a little food on the floor or in our hair. My favorite song is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and that Dora is a really good little actress. Hey, I'm even learning Spanish! Finally.
Pat asked me yesterday if Cassidy and I where going to have a tea party today. I said not today...she is still alittle young but the tea set has been bought. It's put away until that special magical moment that she and I will share. My very favorite memory is my mom and I and our afternoon tea parties, sipping water in little tea cups. My little brother Dale would be a sleep and Mom and I would have some tea and we would talk. I loved it. I loved it so much that I didn't want to go to kindergarten. I cried so much that the teacher told my mom to take me home and try again in a few months. I just wasn't ready. As I think back today I realize that my mom and I never did quit having those tea parties. As I grew older we switched to coffee and then coffee and cigarettes. We did this until she was to sick to drink coffee or smoke anymore but we still talked. We still shared our special moments.
I know I often write about my mom. We where so close. So much closer than I even knew. She is so much a part of me. I am so grateful to have such good memories. I think that often times I was so busy taking care of things like these young parents I didn't see all that was good. I do now. You see, I have the time. I have the heart.
I am sure that Cassidy and Renee will have their own special moments. I see some already. She has the mommy touch that Cassidy will always remember, that Cassidy needs.
I will share the "Nana" touch with her. I know that I will pass on the things that my mom gave to me. The crafts are waiting, the tea set ready but for now we will sing and dance. We will clap our hands and she will fall a sleep in my arms and I will remember.

Every morning after my coffee I sort of put the house back together. Today, just like most days I try to fix up our couch. Every morning as I gaze at it and think to myself how does it get so messed up. It just has such a disheveled look. Poor thing. In couch years, if there is such a thing, this couch is not that old. I guess age has nothing to do with it. I feel like how my couch looks allot of days. A little worn. A little disheveled. Almost every morning I wake up and decide that today I am going to stand tall, I am going to take what the day has to offer. I am not going to let the happenings of the day mess me up. No, I am determine. I will stay firm. I’m going to stick with the plan. The day starts and like my couch I start to sag a little. My cover of good intentions starts to slip. Some days I don't even see it happening. I mean well, really I do but old habits are so comfortable, so inviting. Some days they don't look half bad. Maybe because they’re not all bad. Just like my couch. It may not be perfect but it's not bad. It's got a lot of good years left in it. I hope. It's dependable and it's foundation is strong. I’m not going to throw it all away just because it has it's minor faults. I will continue to rearrange it. Tuck in the cover a little here and a little there. Straighten the pillows. Then I will let it go. I've spent way to much of my life trying to fix it up. To make myself into someone that I am not. I didn't see who I was. I didn’t pursuit my dreams. I didn’t have the time because I was so busy searching, trying to change. I was looking for something and I almost missed what was here all along. It was such a waste of time. I almost over looked my gifts. I never saw how many people did care for me. How much I am loved for who I am and in this constant search I gave my heart to others but I always held back a little. That happens I think when your not living in the now. You miss an awful lot. The hug doesn't quite feel so good, the kiss not so true, the words I love you not so meaningful. It's like your always looking over your shoulder and instead of straight ahead. When the work of life is more important than living your life it’s time to stop. I think tomorrow I'll leave my couch alone and give us both a break!

I went to see Chris today. He is in the hospital. He has pneumonia. He is pretty sick. It wasn't right to see him in a hospital gown, hooked up to a IV and lying in a hospital bed. It's not right to see him conversing with the Doctor's and Nurses. After all he still my son...I am still his mom. I'm suppose to be the one sick, not my child. Even if he is 30 years old. It wouldn't matter if he is 40, 50 or 80 years old. A mothers love has no age limit. We never stop feeling for our children. When they are sick...we feel their pain, when their hearts are broken ours breaks and when they are happy we are happier. You know, my mom use to tell me this when I was young. She would say "Bevie, a mother never stops worrying for her children" She had four of us and she was alone. No husband to rest her head on or to share the burdens she carried on her shoulders. I didn't know she was so brave and I didn't realize how alone she must of felt. No body else to share the decisions, the fears. Nobody else to share the financial burdens. She often did not know how the rent would get paided, or how food was going to show up or if she would have the money for a much needed school supply. She was alone for many years. Some of her decisions where regrettable but she was desperate. Much more desperate than I realized at the time. Yes, she grew tired. I'm tired and I don't have nearly the amount of difficulties that she carried.
I'm not trying to make my mom out to be a saint. All who knew her knew that she was not but she took her mom committment to us seriously. She did not abandon us. She did not run away. She managed to raise four decent children with decent values and loving hearts. That's not something you are born with that is something that you are taught. She worried about us till the day she died. Somedays she was more verbal,somedays you wondered but deep down we knew. We knew she loved us. She called me Bevie till the day she died too. I was always her little girl. She always was the MOM.
That's how it is with Chris and me. We did a lot of it together....alone. Some very rough times we shared. After all we kind of grew up together. We where there for each other...we stuck it out. He will always be my child...my little boy in my heart. Even though I see a man...a husband...a father. Sometimes he has to remind me to stay out of his fights. He has to stop me and say I know mom, we know...we can do it ourself. I answer but....and he knows, he humors me, I see the smile in his face and the light in his eyes. He knows that my words and actions are always driven with love. Then I tell him the same thing my mother told me "Wait, you'll see...your going to do the same thing for Cassidy, you already do." I don't think he quite gets it yet. He will. It doesn't happen right away. Maybe like me, it happens when you don't hear it anymore. When you can't lay your head on your mom's shoulder and cry. When you don't hear her call your name. Maybe that's just the way it works. Maybe our hearts just could bear all of that love at one time.