Meet Cindy Lou

Since it's so cold outside Cassidy has been wearing her little feet PJ's. Sometimes all day. They are so warm and cozy and she looks so cute in them.
What do you think? Doesn't she look like Cindy Lou from The Grinch Who Stole
Christmas? Sometimes I even call her Cindy Lou. She knows I'm teasing her.

Well, I did it again. I don't know what I did or how I missed the mark. What I mean is that I said something wrong or maybe it was at the wrong time or the wrong day, or the wrong way. Pat and I decided that from now on we just need to agree with everything our kids say. That's what they want. Really. Just a "yes", "wow", "that's great". When I think about it I did it to my mom too.
I think we always look to our parents as our rock. The one safe place to go. The one we can tell all, and they will always agree and support us. No matter how old we are we are still looking for their okay. We want to hear it's safe, your okay. I'm here. When we don't get that it seems to illuminate our own insecurities. The doubts that sometimes we don't even know are there.
I never realized how rough this can be on a person. Boy, I know now. It's like your a little bobbing dog on the rear dash board and just one wrong turn and you tip over. Down. Down and out.
This really came to light after my mom died. Almost everyday something happens and I want to tell my mom. Just pass it by her. I just want her to listen. I tell Pat and I tell Denise, my sister but something is still missing. I don't feel complete. It just doesn't do it. I need to tell my mom. It could be a problem but not just then. I long to call her and tell her when something special has happen. Lately I want to share Cassidy with her. I want her to see her, hear her. I want to share my joy. I know my mom would just love her. Even in my mom's last days her eyes would smile when I would talk to her about Cassidy. Yes, we need to know that our parents are our number one fan.
I know that Chris knows that my heart is always with him. I know it hurts sometimes when I don't agree. I don't always give the right answer. Sometimes I talk to much. I often try to fix things to make them all better. Like sticking a bandage on sore. I try to heal but I have come to realize that a bandage only covers, protects but it doesn't do the healing. That comes from within. No matter how good our intentions are. Healing comes in its own way, its own time and through the lessons we learn along the way. Lessons that do have to be learned on our own.
I think the best thing we can give our children is the assurance that they have what it takes, they can do it and they are worthy. I also believe that this is one of those things that has no maturity date. No expiration. No rain checks. Its for now and its forever. When ever that forever is.

Yesterday I spent the day with my Little Gift. Cassidy is truly the greatest gift I have ever received. Christopher was a pretty good one too.
Grand children come just at the right time in our lives. We're ready. We're not so busy trying to make life happen anymore. We learned that life is happening right now. Of course we don't have the concerns that young parents have. We already went though all that and now as parents they have to go through it. It's just a part of life. We are here to add that little extra attention and love. We have the time. I believe our bodies are alittle softer but so are our hearts. Our houses are a little to quiet so we enjoy the noise especially the laughter. The giggles. We don't mind a little food on the floor or in our hair. My favorite song is Twinkle Twinkle Little Star and that Dora is a really good little actress. Hey, I'm even learning Spanish! Finally.
Pat asked me yesterday if Cassidy and I where going to have a tea party today. I said not today...she is still alittle young but the tea set has been bought. It's put away until that special magical moment that she and I will share. My very favorite memory is my mom and I and our afternoon tea parties, sipping water in little tea cups. My little brother Dale would be a sleep and Mom and I would have some tea and we would talk. I loved it. I loved it so much that I didn't want to go to kindergarten. I cried so much that the teacher told my mom to take me home and try again in a few months. I just wasn't ready. As I think back today I realize that my mom and I never did quit having those tea parties. As I grew older we switched to coffee and then coffee and cigarettes. We did this until she was to sick to drink coffee or smoke anymore but we still talked. We still shared our special moments.
I know I often write about my mom. We where so close. So much closer than I even knew. She is so much a part of me. I am so grateful to have such good memories. I think that often times I was so busy taking care of things like these young parents I didn't see all that was good. I do now. You see, I have the time. I have the heart.
I am sure that Cassidy and Renee will have their own special moments. I see some already. She has the mommy touch that Cassidy will always remember, that Cassidy needs.
I will share the "Nana" touch with her. I know that I will pass on the things that my mom gave to me. The crafts are waiting, the tea set ready but for now we will sing and dance. We will clap our hands and she will fall a sleep in my arms and I will remember.

Every morning after my coffee I sort of put the house back together. Today, just like most days I try to fix up our couch. Every morning as I gaze at it and think to myself how does it get so messed up. It just has such a disheveled look. Poor thing. In couch years, if there is such a thing, this couch is not that old. I guess age has nothing to do with it. I feel like how my couch looks allot of days. A little worn. A little disheveled. Almost every morning I wake up and decide that today I am going to stand tall, I am going to take what the day has to offer. I am not going to let the happenings of the day mess me up. No, I am determine. I will stay firm. I’m going to stick with the plan. The day starts and like my couch I start to sag a little. My cover of good intentions starts to slip. Some days I don't even see it happening. I mean well, really I do but old habits are so comfortable, so inviting. Some days they don't look half bad. Maybe because they’re not all bad. Just like my couch. It may not be perfect but it's not bad. It's got a lot of good years left in it. I hope. It's dependable and it's foundation is strong. I’m not going to throw it all away just because it has it's minor faults. I will continue to rearrange it. Tuck in the cover a little here and a little there. Straighten the pillows. Then I will let it go. I've spent way to much of my life trying to fix it up. To make myself into someone that I am not. I didn't see who I was. I didn’t pursuit my dreams. I didn’t have the time because I was so busy searching, trying to change. I was looking for something and I almost missed what was here all along. It was such a waste of time. I almost over looked my gifts. I never saw how many people did care for me. How much I am loved for who I am and in this constant search I gave my heart to others but I always held back a little. That happens I think when your not living in the now. You miss an awful lot. The hug doesn't quite feel so good, the kiss not so true, the words I love you not so meaningful. It's like your always looking over your shoulder and instead of straight ahead. When the work of life is more important than living your life it’s time to stop. I think tomorrow I'll leave my couch alone and give us both a break!

I went to see Chris today. He is in the hospital. He has pneumonia. He is pretty sick. It wasn't right to see him in a hospital gown, hooked up to a IV and lying in a hospital bed. It's not right to see him conversing with the Doctor's and Nurses. After all he still my son...I am still his mom. I'm suppose to be the one sick, not my child. Even if he is 30 years old. It wouldn't matter if he is 40, 50 or 80 years old. A mothers love has no age limit. We never stop feeling for our children. When they are sick...we feel their pain, when their hearts are broken ours breaks and when they are happy we are happier. You know, my mom use to tell me this when I was young. She would say "Bevie, a mother never stops worrying for her children" She had four of us and she was alone. No husband to rest her head on or to share the burdens she carried on her shoulders. I didn't know she was so brave and I didn't realize how alone she must of felt. No body else to share the decisions, the fears. Nobody else to share the financial burdens. She often did not know how the rent would get paided, or how food was going to show up or if she would have the money for a much needed school supply. She was alone for many years. Some of her decisions where regrettable but she was desperate. Much more desperate than I realized at the time. Yes, she grew tired. I'm tired and I don't have nearly the amount of difficulties that she carried.
I'm not trying to make my mom out to be a saint. All who knew her knew that she was not but she took her mom committment to us seriously. She did not abandon us. She did not run away. She managed to raise four decent children with decent values and loving hearts. That's not something you are born with that is something that you are taught. She worried about us till the day she died. Somedays she was more verbal,somedays you wondered but deep down we knew. We knew she loved us. She called me Bevie till the day she died too. I was always her little girl. She always was the MOM.
That's how it is with Chris and me. We did a lot of it together....alone. Some very rough times we shared. After all we kind of grew up together. We where there for each other...we stuck it out. He will always be my child...my little boy in my heart. Even though I see a man...a husband...a father. Sometimes he has to remind me to stay out of his fights. He has to stop me and say I know mom, we know...we can do it ourself. I answer but....and he knows, he humors me, I see the smile in his face and the light in his eyes. He knows that my words and actions are always driven with love. Then I tell him the same thing my mother told me "Wait, you'll see...your going to do the same thing for Cassidy, you already do." I don't think he quite gets it yet. He will. It doesn't happen right away. Maybe like me, it happens when you don't hear it anymore. When you can't lay your head on your mom's shoulder and cry. When you don't hear her call your name. Maybe that's just the way it works. Maybe our hearts just could bear all of that love at one time.

Angel looked at this past weekend with different eyes than I did. I saw snow. I saw shoveling. I saw trying to get out of my driveway. Angel, well, she saw fun! I can't help but see the look of total delight in her face. All weekend she went by the door so she could go out for more.
Children have that same look of delight. I would of loved to be on the other side of the window of a child looking out on this Saturday morning. Small nose plastered to the cold window, eyes dancing and a smile like the snowman they are dreaming of making today. Always ready for a new adventure. Not afraid of getting cold or wet after all everything evenually dries out and thaws out.
When do we lose our sense of adventure? When does everything start becoming a hassle? A job to take care of. How come fun is something we actually had to fit in. Find time in our busy schedule for. We even feel quilty sometimes like we are playing hooky from the seriousness of our lives.
It's really hard for me. I feel like I am wasting time. Doing nothing. That's starting to change lately. Entered Cassidy into my life. Yes, a little pink bundle of complete joy. God knew I needed a little help. He's really good with things like that. It's still a little tough for me to throw caution to the wind...so speak...but on my knees I am and she laughs and she qiggles. My heart beats stronger, my smile is from ear to ear and I know I have that look of total delight on my face. I know this much too, when she asks next year "Nana, can we go out and play in the snow, can we build a great big snowman?" I will say "I would love too."

Spending the day with the Little Prince

Today I spent the day with a little Prince. Maybe I should say our newest prince. I like to believe that we are all prince and princess. I hear that is how God thinks of us.

I held the little prince named Zachary in my arms. I just couldn't keep my eyes off of him. His little nose and tiny little lips. I held his little hands in my hands and I was content. I was at peace. I was in awe of the miracle of life once again. His life will be unique, like yours and mine. Oh sure we will do many things a like but not in the same way. It just doesn't work that way. What will this new life be like. What will his unique gift be? What's mine? What's yours? When was the last time we looked at our self with searching eyes but not with the usual critical what is not right but what is. Maybe it would help if we asked someone we love and trust. What makes me, me? Take it a step further and tell someone what makes them unique. Sort of like....your smile brightens my day, your voice comforts me or you have such a giving heart. Each life has a special plan that only you and I can carry out in our own special way. This is what I hear...this is something I am willing to try..
Zach will need to hear this. His parents will whisper in his ear..you have what it takes. You are beautiful. You are the apple of my eye. You can do it. Your so funny, smart and I thank God for you. I know his parents will do this. I did it today as I held him in my arms. We say it in our tone of voice, the twinkle in our eyes and the smile on our lips.
Thats all for now.

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Angel (our dog) after Cassidy leaves.

POOR GIRL

January 6, 2009

Today is my second day on my diet. I am already ready to quit! Why, because I am hungry! and I'm cold. So much of what is good for me is cold. Fresh veggies, fruit, water, sugar free jello. I like hot food and hot drinks.
I watched Oprah yesterday. She was talking about her recent weight gain. She said she finally figured it out...She doesn't love herself...that's why she eats. Hum, maybe that's my reason...sounds a lot better than I love food..the way it taste...cooking it...socializing with it. Yep, so much nicer...so much easier than I love to stuff my face.
We have to have a reason for everything. Something in our past. Something someone else did to us. Maybe it is so. We all have hurts in our closets. I should be a drug addict or at least a drunk! Thank God something went right. I guess I could BLAME my mom for that one!!
I didn't always have a weight problem. I use to love to smoke and drink coffee. ( in fact I seem to be out of breath still but nows it's because I am fat!) Nothing better than smoking and drinking coffee. A great way to pass the time. Of course I smoked for a reason... not that I was addicted...not that I actually enjoyed it. Nope, it had something to do with something a lot more important than that. I'll let you know when I think up that reason. After all I have a lot more time on my hands...I don't smoke, drink and now I don't eat. I graze..like a rabbit. Not like a cow...I have to quit having thoughts like that. Those kind of thoughts are self defeating! I am a cute rabbit. I just look like I have storing up food for a couple of winter's.
Okay, enough with the weight.
We have a beautiful addition to our family. Zachary was born on December 30th. He weighted 8lbs 6oz's and was 21.5 inches long. Pictures are on this blog.
Christmas is over now...everything is put away. I started to decorate for my Favorite holiday. I know it's a little early but I LOVE Valentine's Day. So if you drive by my house you will see hearts in the windows and red lights. I will tell you the reason why Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday on another day.(It is a good reason)How about that!
Have a great day.

Zachary Adam