Welcome

I went to see Chris today. He is in the hospital. He has pneumonia. He is pretty sick. It wasn't right to see him in a hospital gown, hooked up to a IV and lying in a hospital bed. It's not right to see him conversing with the Doctor's and Nurses. After all he still my son...I am still his mom. I'm suppose to be the one sick, not my child. Even if he is 30 years old. It wouldn't matter if he is 40, 50 or 80 years old. A mothers love has no age limit. We never stop feeling for our children. When they are sick...we feel their pain, when their hearts are broken ours breaks and when they are happy we are happier. You know, my mom use to tell me this when I was young. She would say "Bevie, a mother never stops worrying for her children" She had four of us and she was alone. No husband to rest her head on or to share the burdens she carried on her shoulders. I didn't know she was so brave and I didn't realize how alone she must of felt. No body else to share the decisions, the fears. Nobody else to share the financial burdens. She often did not know how the rent would get paided, or how food was going to show up or if she would have the money for a much needed school supply. She was alone for many years. Some of her decisions where regrettable but she was desperate. Much more desperate than I realized at the time. Yes, she grew tired. I'm tired and I don't have nearly the amount of difficulties that she carried.
I'm not trying to make my mom out to be a saint. All who knew her knew that she was not but she took her mom committment to us seriously. She did not abandon us. She did not run away. She managed to raise four decent children with decent values and loving hearts. That's not something you are born with that is something that you are taught. She worried about us till the day she died. Somedays she was more verbal,somedays you wondered but deep down we knew. We knew she loved us. She called me Bevie till the day she died too. I was always her little girl. She always was the MOM.
That's how it is with Chris and me. We did a lot of it together....alone. Some very rough times we shared. After all we kind of grew up together. We where there for each other...we stuck it out. He will always be my child...my little boy in my heart. Even though I see a man...a husband...a father. Sometimes he has to remind me to stay out of his fights. He has to stop me and say I know mom, we know...we can do it ourself. I answer but....and he knows, he humors me, I see the smile in his face and the light in his eyes. He knows that my words and actions are always driven with love. Then I tell him the same thing my mother told me "Wait, you'll see...your going to do the same thing for Cassidy, you already do." I don't think he quite gets it yet. He will. It doesn't happen right away. Maybe like me, it happens when you don't hear it anymore. When you can't lay your head on your mom's shoulder and cry. When you don't hear her call your name. Maybe that's just the way it works. Maybe our hearts just could bear all of that love at one time.