The Catholic Church

The Catholic Church played a large part in my earlier years. Not that my family actually attended Mass because we didn’t but that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t in church. Let me explain. I am from the era when churches stayed open all day and all night. A pew was always available for those in need. A candle could be lit for a loved one at any time of the day or night. Times where so different back then. The church truly felt like a home. Your home. At least this is how I remember it. This was the way it was for me and the kids who lived on Notre Dame and Mt. Carmel in Cleveland. The church was Our Lady of Mt. Carmel. It was our church.
My parents where separated at that time in my life so my mom and two brothers and sister moved in with Grandma and Grandpa. Grandma and Grandpa just happen to live right next door to what we called the priest’s house (rectory). That was also an open door for us. The priest of Mt. Carmel took us under their wings. We spent many hours together walking up and down their driveway having our “serious talks” for this reason I have never been afraid of a priest. They cared about me and they acted as a Father should. It was easy to call them Father. They where someone we respected and loved. They understood us.
As I look back now I realize how much patience they had with us as we swung from their weeping willow trees. How a many watchful eye must of saw us playing in the church. What a sight we must have been. My sister, our friends who where sisters , also and my very best friend ,Theresa. We knew every Saturday there would be a wedding or two and that meant free candy for us. That was in the days when the guest threw candy covered almonds instead of rice. To this day I love almonds. How funny we must of looked to those who where not from the “neighborhood” as we crawled on our hands and knees in search of white and pink and green candy. To us girls the Blessed Mother was a young woman…like our moms to us. We knew she was special and that she loved children. I am sure she must have been nodding her head in Heaven as we “girls” would stare at her until one of us who whisper “ I saw her hand move” and then we would all run out of church screaming . How exciting. How special we where. If the priest saw us doing this they never said a word. I believe they wouldn’t of because they never discouraged us from feeling at home in God’s House. They taught us that Mary was our mother and she loved us.
How sad it is to me that so many of the neighborhood church will be closing next year. A part of my feels like I am losing my childhood. I was so blessed to be a part of the time when we had enough priest and the collection basket, spaghetti dinners, carnivals and yes, bingo supported our churches. I remember when parents encouraged their sons to grown up to be a priest and their daughters to be nuns. It was an honor . A privilege. Lost are those days.
My heart breaks when I think all of those beautiful churches being torn down or boarded up. To me there is nothing more beautiful than the inside of an old Catholic Church. The shinny dark pews, the high ceilings and stain glass windows. I can smell the incense now as I sit here. I know that Jesus still lives. That no building is big enough to hold him. His temple is in our hearts. We will find new homes to celebrate with our Catholic family . We will share and break bread. Our God is a God of renewal, ,of new beginnings. He will provide as He always has. He will not be torn down or boarded up. He will not abandon us. Not even death or a tomb could hold Him back from the love He has for us.
Church is where ever we are because we are the Church. God is where ever we are because God lives in us. I know how easy it is to complicate such simple truths. How grand we think it all has to be. As Catholics I believe we have been given a faith so rich in tradition and yes beauty. I know that it is this tradition that calls me back over and over as I wonder in search of a more “feeling” type of worship. I will attend a church that claps more, sings louder, A church without pews or statues. No standing and then sitting and kneeling. The feelings get moving. Surely God is in this place, He must be because I feel so excited, so moved. Yet it is not home for me. Home is in the quiet as I stare at the cross and remember that He died for me. It is in the music that I sing out of devotion and commitment not by feelings alone. It is in the smell of incense. It is in the pew that I kneel at humbly in front of my Savior. It is in the statues of those who dedicated their lives to God as an example of His love. Many people mock the Catholic Church and I at times did so myself. I am sorry for them and sorry for my mistake. The Catholic Church is a pillar built on the Gospels, the traditions and beliefs from the earliest disciples and Blessed by our Heavenly Father. It will survive and so will we.

New Pictures of Cassidy and her cousins, Maddie and Zach CLICK ON PICTURE TO ENLARGE

I stopped over Chris' and Renee's the other day. Just a short visit to drop something off and of course to see Cassidy. When I walked into the door she saw me and started to jump up and down. She was so excited. A Nana's dream. Nana's and Papa's just love that kind of thing. We melt.
When it was time to go I gave Cassidy hugs and kisses. As I started for the door she ran and got her hat and reached up for me to pick her up. She thought she was going with me. It was so adorable. I melted. I couldn't help myself. I couldn't bring her home that day. I had to say "Nana can't take you today." As I walked out and closed the door I hear her crying. I'm sorry and please don't think badly of me but it made me happy. I actually smiled. Again, it's every Nana's dream. All we want is to be loved, wanted and missed. Not to much to ask for. At the age of 16 months, Cassidy already gives me the best gift ever. Herself. She makes my days. I can't be sad or worried for to long. All I have to do is think of something she said or did and once again life is good. It's funny but kids have been doing the same things for years but each child is unique. They do things with their unique twist. It's like seeing and hearing it for the first time. God must feel that way about us. A proud father. He must think "that's my girl" or "that's my boy". All he wants is to be loved and wanted. (He doesn't ever leave so you can't miss Him.) I am sure when He see's us using our gifts and talents that He gave us...he smiles. God just has to smile. There is just no way He could create a smile without having one Himself. We feel God's love through other people. That is the plan. "Love one another as I have loved you." Children do it so easily. It's comes natural to them. Big people have to work at it a little more. That is God's plan too. No magic wands here. God expects us to use the abilities that He gave us and He gave us the ability to love. Not just the warm and fuzzy, feel good kind but the stick to it kind.
I know that many of us did not have a good example of God as children. Some of our parents did not use what He gave them. They choose another path. That should not be an excuse that we can't relate to a loving God as a Father figure. All we have to do is think about how much we love our children. We can relate to how we would go to the ends of the earth to do what we feel is best for them. That is what helps me. If I can love my son as much as I do....If I could want whats best for him as much as I do how much more must God love me. The story of the Prodigal Son makes sense to me.
Sometimes love has to say "No." I had to say "No" to Chris and even to Cassidy already. It's hard to understand but "No" can be the most loving word you can say. "No", sometimes guides and protects. God sometimes has to say "No." to us. Just wait it out and you'll find out why. Also, "do it yourself" is like saying "I love you" because it's saying I believe in you and you can do it. God sometimes has to set back and say "do it yourself."
I often write about Cassidy and being a grandparent. I believe as I have often said, it's our second chance. Today, I realize it is also a refresher course in what we tend to forget. We forget about how much God loves us and what He calls us to do. Grandchild help us to remember.

This is not a dress rehearsal. Wow, that saying really hit me recently. This thing called life is a one shot deal. There won't be any take backs. No rain checks. We learn it now and use it now. There is no learn now and use it some other time. At the end we will look back but that's about it...there will be nothing we can do about it then. It will be to late. There won't be any second changes to get it right. I don't mean to sound morbid but this has to sink into my head. I have to get this. It's all about now. Say it now. Hug more now. Love more now. Laugh more now. Spend time with your love ones now. If you have a dream you better work on full filling it now. I know with the death of my mom I began to think about how life is to short and it is. It has changed my outlook on many things and now this "This is not a dress rehearsal" takes me a step further on my journey. I don't believe either one of these sayings where meant for us to think about our self more. Although at times we just have to. It's a good thing to love and care for yourself. I do think that it means if you have any unfinished business that you are aware of it's time to step it up and finish it. If you need to forgive someone forgive them. If you need to say "I love you" Say it.
If you always wanted to paint, write or learn how to dance. Go for it. Perfection is a lie and if you listen to it you'll miss your chance. I want to write, I know I am not great at it but I want to fulfill this dream. So here I am. Writing.
Friday, I wanted to spend time with Cassidy but I also had stuff to do around the house. I decide that Cassidy was more important then this house of mine. I want
to be with her more than my dust rag or mop. I want to see her smile and hear her laugh. We had a great time. While we where having lunch she reached out and took my hand and put her head on my shoulder. I would of missed that moment if I would of stayed home and cleaned.
I know that every one has dreams. They don't have to be big. We don't have to change the world or any one else for that matter. Just something simple from the heart. Hearts speak to hearts. Often times you who read my blog have touched me. Your heart has spoken to mine. I have been gifted with the kind and caring people in my life. My life is richer because of you.
This is not a dress rehearsal speaks to me....it's my responsibility not someone else's. If I don't do it now what good will it be to me or anyone else to blame my life, my parents or even God for the way things turned out.
Spring is on it's way. A time for new beginnings. Plant a flower to remind yourself that you are growing into something beautiful because you are beautiful.

Today I spent the day with our newest little blessing...Zach. I looked into his eyes as I held him in my arms and thought of my mom. My mom tried to hold out until Zach was born but she couldn't make it. Love does that. It tries to do what is best for someone else. Even if it means suffering. She knew her time to go home was getting closer and she told us she was sorry but she didn't think she would make it to Zach's birth. It breaks my heart to remember those last days. I can still see her. I can still hear her call me.."Bevie." That was her name for me. I don't think she ever called me Beverly. (Well maybe when she was mad at me.) To know I will never hear her call my name again is like she took a part of me with her. A very real part. No matter how old I was I always felt like her little girl. That little girl, died with her that day.
I believe we leave fingerprints on those we love. Unique small parts of yourself on others. Not visible to the eye but none the less there. My mother left her prints on me. It is funny how I seem to only dwell on the good things. I am so thankful for this. I can only hope that this will be the same for those I have been given to love in this life time. I hope they will remember what we shared. Losing someone as special as my mom has changed me. I think it was her final gift to me. She has made me realize how short life is. She has made to see what a waste of time so much of what I do or think about is.
My mom died in our arms. We each said our good-byes in our own way. Although she could not talk or see she made expressions that let us know she heard and she felt our presence.
She loved when I kissed her. It would hurt her if I didn't. The last few moments I had with her I kissed her all over her face. I saw one tear drop fall from her eye. I knew she felt my love as I felt hers. What a gift I was given. What a memory that I will always cherish. She entered heaven with my kisses on her face. She left this earth feeling loved to entered the ultimate place of love.
I believe that the people in our lives are there by design. God needs us to love them for Him. He needs them to love us for Him. My mom taught me that love does not have to be perfect just genuine. We know when someone is being real or not.
I also believe that not everyone is going to love us. No matter how hard we try. They are just here in our lives to pass though and to help us to realize who does love us. It's sometime hard to accept that fact but it is a fact. I am so glad that I realize it, it's not meant to damage or change you...it just is. Learn what you can and let it go. After all how much love can we take and give. That's for heaven. That's what we are looking forward to. That is God's promise to us. That's where my mom is now and when I get there I'll hear her say "Bevie" again. I just know she will.

Cassidy didn't come over today as plan, she had other plans. Yes, she had a play date today. Her best friend, Gabby, was coming over to play. I hope Cassidy is not to rough on her today. Cassidy is small but mighty. I see a tomboy already. That means I have to work extra hard on girly things. I make sure she has dolls, tea sets and pink everything.
I'm all for the play dates. I feel it's important. After all, she needs to develop her social skills. You know, pretty soon she'll be in pre-school. She needs to know how to share and how not to bite. How to play nice. It's rough out there in the real world and I want her to be a leader. Yes, you hear right. I want her to have confidence. I must of not had many play dates as a child. I was afraid of everything and everyone. The quiet one. I blended into the wall. I wanted to fit in more but I was just to shy. Well, let me tell you. If I don't talk now it's because I don't want to. I'm still not a leader and that's okay but I carry an attitude in my back pocket just in case I need it. I have no problem whipping it out if you cross me the wrong way. Of course, I had to learn the hard way. It cost me a lot of tears. It was on the job training for me.
Don't get me wrong I still have a very sensitive side to me. I still follow my heart way to much. I know I am a safe haven for a lot of people. I would not change that for the world but the Italian/Irish girl comes shinning through when needed.
Getting back to Cassidy and her play date today. I hope she shares and I hope she doesn't bite or push to hard. She really must learn to get along and compromise. At least every now and then!

As most of you know I am all for technology. My son claims that he's the only son who's mom wants electronics for Christmas and Mother's Day. Forget the jewelry, flowers and candy what I want is more hard drive, a new camera, a flash drive, some recordable DVDs or Cd's and if your feeling really generous a new photo shop software program. I have a Nano, a Kodak picture viewer and a cell phone.I'm not a geek. I'm definitely not old fashion. I believe that we have to change with the times. Not only do I believe it, I think it's great. I want to learn and use all the latest stuff but I do have a small problem. It's the cell phone. It's becoming a obsession with all ages. I can't have a dinner, or a conversation with out someone either talking on their cell phone or text messaging. Text messaging is a whole new problem. If it wasn't bad enough listening to other peoples conversations at the doctors office, grocery store, hair salon and even in the restroom now we have to look at tops of heads. Have you noticed how everyone head seems to be bent down. It seems to be okay to stop in the middle of the aisle at the grocery store, to sit at the light after it turns green and to ignore your children as hands busily tap most often useless information. What do these people have to talk about when they are face to face? Is there anything left to say. Probably not. It doesn't matter I guess because they can always text someone else.
I remember taking my son to the grocery store with me. I would put him in the cart and talk with him the whole time I shopped. It was our time together. It makes me sad to see parents on the phone while children sit in shopping carts bored and crying. Such missed opportunities to share. To talk. To be silly.
What put me over the edge was when I was at a funeral recently. Right there in the funeral home while the family was saying their good-byes a few people where text messaging. In the quiet of the room you could hear them tapping on the keys. What could have been so important at that moment? Their love ones where all there in the room.
There really is a time and place for everything. I love to read. I wonder how it would go over if I just pulled out a book and started to read while someone was talking to me. I would be nice and put up my finger and say something like "I just have to finish this chapter, and I'll be right with you."
To me this is like saying everything is more important than sharing this moment with you. How sad.
Let's put the phones away. They have voice mail. Let's look at each other. Look into each others eyes when we speak. Notice the smile or see the tears. Be there...not just there.
Don't wait. I miss you even though your right in front of me.

I hate to admit defeat but my grand baby wore me out today. Talk about busy. My husband woke up from a nap and his first words where "what happen in here?" He not usually home when I have her with me. He's not use to all the toys all over. Usually by the time he comes home the house is clean and dinner is made. I might not look to good but 2 out of 3 ain't bad. Anyway, the kitchen floor was lined with Tupperware, a rolling pin and more toys. The dining room table was full of the things she should not get in to. For me it's just another day in the life of a Nana. It's tiring but so rewarding. Today we had another tea party, crunched on potato chips, read and played with every toy in the toy box. When I dropped her off tonight she was tired but happy. Just like me. You know what I did? I asked if I could pick her up on Tuesday so I can do it all over again.
I never thought these kind of days would come. I never thought I could turn my head to all of the mess. I couldn't do that when Chris was growing up. Not that he didn't play but I worried so much that some one might stop over and see the mess. I am sorry for that. Like many things during those days I wasted a lot of time on things not worth my time. You live and learn we often say. Grand kids are God's second chance for us. My mom was a better grandmother than a mom. She had so much more patience. She was so much more understanding of what kids do. She would tell me to let it go or when I turned my back she would give in to him. I am remembering how the table turns as we get older. I remember about three months before my mom got really sick and she was at my house while I was at work. I had Chris check up on her and when he stopped in she asked him for a cigarette. He didn't know what to do. Should he give her one? Her health was already going down. He ended up calling me at work and asking me if he could give Grandma a cigarette. I was really busy and I remember saying "Just give her one." When I hung up the phone I couldn't help but laugh. How many times did my mom call me at work and ask if Chris could do something or have something and I would answer "Just give it to him, or let him" Now I realized they had a system going. We'll just call mom when she is busy at work, she won't have time to talk and she can't yell. It worked every time. I know that I'll do the same. Sorry Chris, but what goes around comes around. I promise to love and care for Cassidy like my mom cared for you. I also promise to spoil her just as grandma spoiled you. It's the price you must pay. After all I am only doing my job as a Nana.

 

 

 

 

I think we reach different milestones in our lives. Not so much measured by years but definitely measured by our experiences. I am starting to reach the "in my contentment" years. The years I often hear of and didn't quite understand until now. It's the knowing that it's good on those quiet days when someone will ask you "What's new?" and you can say "Not Much, you know the same old, same old." and you mean it. Not only do you mean it but you like it. After so many ups and downs, so many different valley's and peaks it's like enough already.
Coming home now is the best. Sitting in the evening with my husband and dog reading a book or watching a TV show is good. Seeing my granddaughter smile and hearing her giggle even better. I am having one of those days today. As you all know, my sister and I are the very best of friends. We are a team. We understand each other better than anyone else and we know how to get into trouble together, which we still do. Anyway, we had a sleep over. A girls night. We shopped, we had dinner and drinks. Tried new makeup. Talked about our grand kids. Shared pictures. It was great. How neat to share our history and still love each other. Yet, I missed home. I missed my husband and I missed my dog, Angel. There really is no place like home. It's such a comfort. Just begin gone one day and everything looks so good when you walk in. Angel met me at the door. She always does. I could be gone four hours or four days, it's all the same to her. I was hugged and kissed and then hugged and kissed some more.Then Pat came home and well I'll just say...you know the saying about man's best friend. I figure he didn't want to seem so needy so he toughed it out. I think it's a guy thing. It didn't help much that we talked about four times a day anyway. Next time I go away I'm not going to be so easy. I hear it's good to be a little mysterious.
On the way home I stopped at Chris' house and saw Cassidy. I haven't seen her for almost a week. That's way to long. She looked so cute and I scooped her up in my arms and gave her kisses. She wanted me to hold her a lot today. No problem there. We played with Bella, her dog. Cassidy finds Bella so amusing. She just giggles when we play with her. Those giggles reach down into my heart. We played up and down. I pick her up, count to three and sort of slide her down my leggs. Well since I have been home I have hardly been able to get up and down because now my back is killing me. It was worth it. I think.
So it's this kind of thing that I started to write about tonight. Just everyday happenings. No big deal to some. Most maybe. Yet, it's what I have come to find and treasure as what life is all about. I chased a lot of rainbows. I have traveled to a lot of places. I am so grateful for those times. Even the not so good ones. They made me, me and that's a good place to be.